I'm such a Thomas

Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Take a deep breath and in the quiet and still say that to yourself a few times. "Surrender." I'm not so sure you can even say that word without taking a deep breath. Am I right? Well, I'm learning more and more that this is really the only solution to all my anxiety, worries, concerns, skepticism, frustration, fears, insecurity, and pride. I can worry or I can surrender. I can be frustrated and confused or I can surrender. I can be paralyzed by fear or I can surrender. I can be insecure in my body and inabilities or I can surrender. Surrender means freedom. Surrender means joy. But there is something in my embedded theology that tells me surrendering means being unprepared, being caught off guard, being a fool or unintelligent. If I stop worrying or fearing, I won't be prepared for the possibilities. If I stop being insecure, I'll be taken off guard when someone hurts me. If I stop being a skeptic, I'll be taken for a fool when what I believe turns out to be rubbish. The unfortunate thing in this theology is that I am robbed of joy, of freedom, of experiencing meaningful moments in life! I have missed friends' weddings because I was too insecure about my appearance. I have missed so many things in my life because I was too prideful and scared to surrender whatever I was gripping. How self-centered is that?! Obviously, I can never fully surrender because I am an imperfect, broken human. I need help. I need help from THE Surrenderer. Seriously, sometimes just praying over and over, "I surrender, Jesus. I surrender." is the most releasing, freeing, therapeutic experience for me.

A passage that has always resonated with me in terms of surrendering can be found in John 20. It's the story about Jesus appearing to the disciples after his death. He appears to all of them, except Thomas. Thomas wasn't there. So his friends come and tell him what they've seen. Thomas says he won't believe them until he's seen him, until he's seen his nail marks, put his fingers where the nails were and put his hand in his side. Thomas isn't surrendering his pride. He isn't surrendering his unbelief and skepticism. He doesn't want to be taken for a fool, right? He's too prideful. He refuses to surrender. Because Jesus is gracious, he gives Thomas what he needs in order to believe. He lets him see the nail marks and touch his wounds. And Jesus says, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” We don't know what happens next. Have you ever wondered? What did Thomas say in response to that?! Imagine yourself in that situation. Man, what a FOOL I'd feel like. Wait...what? A fool?! No, not a fool because that's the very thing he was trying to avoid...right? Yes - a fool. It's important to note something else. The other disciples told Thomas about seeing Jesus (ya know -when he refused to believe them) a week before Jesus appeared to Thomas. So that means Thomas missed out on all the joy his friends were experiencing for a whole week. Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if his unbelief and lack of trust in his friends caused some tension in those relationships. I'm so glad the writer of this gospel chose to include this story. I am such a Thomas and I need to hear that Jesus is gracious to Thomases. I need to hear that Jesus wants more for me. He wants me to experience joy and freedom. He wants me to be blessed.