the beautiful tension

Lately, my mind has been everywhere but health and physical wellness....as I shared in my last post. I've neglect my blog because I haven't had much worth saying in this department. However, I was reminded today that this blog is more than just a reflection on my physical well being. It's about my journey - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So, this post is a reflection on the latter.

As I have shared before I go to therapy. Every other week I sit down with Lisa and we talk life. It is rewarding, refreshing, challenging, and inspiring. If this isn't apart of your life I encourage you to consider it...even a mentor if not a professional therapist. We need these people in our lives. We need people disconnected from our norm, people trained (or not trained) to provide a safe space to be completely transparent, void of judgement. Lisa is on my side and she helps me process thoughts and ideas, struggles and triumphs.

We talk a lot about fear and anxiety because unfortunately these things are a big part of my life in the present season. I'm an analytical thinker...I think way too deeply about a lot of things. This is a blessing and a curse. It is something I take pride in - I'm a deep thinker, I'm insightful...I like to think I'm an intellectual person. However, this deep thinking many times takes me to dark places. I like to think of myself as a realist but honestly I'm a pessimist and deal with cynicism and fear on a daily basis. This informs my life on a lot of levels. It's my thorn and it's exhausting. And this is exactly why I go to therapy. I'm asking God for brokenness, for freedom, for a life lived fully. And this is also why I'm on this weightloss journey. I want to experience life to the fullest. I want to shed every toxic thing and experience the fullness of the gospel.

If you're like me, it's bothersome and frustrating that this desire is unattainable (this side of heaven). I'm never going to be free of anxiety and fear because we live in a fallen and broken world. I wish I could go to therapy and in 6 months be void of these struggles. The reality is...that's not what therapy is about. That's not what sanctification is about. Sanctification isn't about my ability to achieve perfection. It's about Christ's capacity to restore my soul. And I get to be a part of it. By living a more abundant life. By striving for better. By shedding toxic things in my life. By letting His Word shape me. By being creative. By desiring restoration in my life and on this earth. Even when I know I won't experience the fullness, the perfection, and the beauty this side of heaven. There is a beautiful tension a work here. And this tension is the human experience at the core. I want to be better but I'm flawed. I want to live fully but I'm handicapped. I want to experience freedom but I'm a prisoner. I want to believe but I'm afraid. Life is painful, it's hard, it's sometimes miserable and feels meaningless but it's beautiful. There is indeed something beautiful about that tension, isn't there?

If you resonate with this at all read Ecclesiastes.