the beauty and mess of relationships

Over the past 6 months my social life has expanded a great deal. I started a new job in September and Michael and I joined a community of believers in Octoberish - and there we joined a small group and started leading college ministry stuff. Since then we've met a whole lot of people and have begun quite a few new relationships. I LOVE relationships. I love connecting. Community. Meaningful conversation. Vulnerability. Relating. Reciprocating. Learning. Journeying. Relationships fill me. Fulfill me. Give me a joy like no other thing on this earth.

But they also stress me out.

Since they mean so so much to me...I tend to worry. I worry about what others think of me. If they like me as much as I like them. If I talk too much. If I talk too little. If I'm too eager. If I'm cool enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I worry about how I look...my clothes. Bleh, my clothes! Oh how I wish I could dress cooler. If I only had the quirky wardrobe of Zooey Deschanel...then I'd be the cool kid. But alas I'm stuck with my two worn, stained and faded pairs of jeans, and a collection of tshirts I've acquired from work events and thrift stores. I only have two or three shirts I consider fancy...and they aren't fancy. I worry. I want to know what others think of me. How do they see me? Do I offer anything? Do they gain anything whatsoever from my company?

There is a lot of mystery in my relationship with God. A LOT. I have a lot of questions...and I struggle with not knowing. Not knowing all of him. Not knowing the ins and outs of his plan, process, and history.

But this....this I know. He's already told me. He knows me. He knows ME more than any person on this earth. More than any friend that I have or any friend that I'm pursuing. And I can feel completely secure in my relationship with him. Completely secure. He does think I'm cool enough, smart enough, interesting enough. He sees me how I truly am....something I don't think I'm able to do...and he accepts me. He goes a step further...he desires me. He loves me. He wants to spend every moment with me. He wants to connect, converse, relate, reciprocate. He wants to fill me. Fulfill me. Wow...that is a breath of fresh air to me. THAT is good news.

I am so thankful for relationships. For the mess of them and the beauty of them. And I'm learning it's okay that there's mystery. A smart man once said, "it's suppose to be hard...the hard is what makes it great." (200 points to the person who can name this movie!) The character was talking about baseball no less, but I think this applies to most things in life, don't you? :) Relationships are hard and that is what makes them great. They challenge us. Shape us. Stretch us. A good relationship may cause hurt. But that hurt makes us who we are...it draws us closer to HIM. To the Creator. To the One who knows us completely. And loves us completely.

going vegan

I've watched a handful of documentaries about health and food, which usually focus on the downfall the American food industry...which usually moves me to make changes in my diet out of disgust and frustration with the industry...and maybe a little concern for my own health.

However, this weekend I watched a documentary with a little different spin - Forks Over Knives. It did highlight the poor quality of our food industry but mostly it talked about the effects of food, particularly food from animals, on our health. There are some staggering statistics that prove a plant-based diet prevents and sometimes reverses disease....and diets that include meat and dairy have caused disease and obesity. If you haven't - watch it! (It's on Netflix instant watch.)

Fortunately, Michael watched it with me and when it was over he said, "I want to try vegan for a week." I was stoked because I would never imagine Michael offering to go vegan for more than a few hours. Obviously my hope, and I think his is too, is that we'll continue longer than a week. So I'm sayin it - I'm going vegan. At times, we'll probably stray a bit from the vegan diet. The documentary highlighted that a small amount of animal based foods would not harm you...so it's all about balance and eliminating as much of it as you can. It's a sacrifice definitely but there are just too many benefits to not do it. Food is suppose to help us live a full and healthy life....it's not suppose to cause obstacles.

Michael and I want to live a more simple and intentional life. We've been trying to live with less over the past couple years. We've sold a lot of stuff, moved into a tiny apartment, and we try to make do and reuse what we have. And I think it's only natural that we go about food the same way - simple and intentional.

i'm having an ugly night...maybe week

If you don't mind I'd like to take the next few minutes to emotionally barf on you...

I feel ugly. I have some average size zits symmetrically (yes symmetrically) placed on each side of my chin, one large one on my right nostril making it about three sizes bigger than my left nostril, and a sprinkling of little ones all over. My hair is getting too long, which just makes my face look sad and droopy. I don't have any cool clothes. And worst of all...I think I've gained a few pounds back. I haven't done an official weigh in, but I can tell in the mirror....more is there than a month ago and it's just about the worst feeling. Blah. Yuck. Ugh. [insert favorite depressing expressive word] That's how I feel. I'm just having an ugly night...maybe week. I want to do about a million sit-ups tonight but I don't want to actually do them....if that makes any sense. I want to find some miracle zit concoction to rid them by morning (Windex anyone?). I even thought about going to a salon and making a drastic hair style change. I can just see it...stylists gather to collaborate on my new look, draw diagrams on their mirror, sharpen their scissors and at last craft their masterpiece on top my head. When they finished, they'd whip me around in the chair, I'd rise and everything and everyone in the room would freeze...except my stunning newly cut hair blowing in the "wind" of course.

I plopped down on the couch tonight and expressed all my ugly feelings to Michael and he patiently offered sweet words, comfort, and support. I have just about the best husband a girl could ask for. He didn't try to give me advice - he just said "it's ok that you feel that way...that's a part of the journey" (after saying he thought I was beautiful and he didn't see what I was seeing of course). It just felt good to hear that...to hear that my feelings are okay...that I don't need to feel something differently in this moment. I don't know about you, but I feel freedom in that. The load is taken off. I don't have to do a million sit-ups tonight, windex my zits, or have a make over. I don't have to find the instant fix. I can feel what I feel and start a new day with new mercies tomorrow. I can just be...I can have an ugly night. It's okay.

August...Ugh

Well friends, August was not my best month! I don't know about you but when I don't have a regular routine it throws everything outta wack! I finished a summer job August 2nd, moved into a new place that weekend and settled in and unpacked the next week, got sick for a few days, then went on a 10 day trip. Needless to say I rarely exercised and we ate out a whole lot....which always makes it hard to make good choices. AND needless to say...I didn't lose any weight this month. Blah...such a disappointment. I got back in town Saturday and started a new job today, things are falling back into place and I'll be on a regular routine again.

I definitely lack some self discipline. I don't use my time wisely during these times. I don't plan ahead. I put things off. And I put things off until they never happen at all.

I need some help in this department...

What do you do to help you during these seasons? How do you stay disciplined on vacation? Or when you lack a routine?

still here!

Just checking in! We moved into our new place this past weekend and things have been a bit crazy. I got a bit off track with exercise...although I know I got plenty moving day! Whew! Things are starting to settle and I'm excited to have Homewood Park across the street - equipped with a wonderful walking trail. Also...I gave up on the Daniel Fast. Boooooo. I was already losing momentum and then moving didn't help. When your kitchen is packed up the easiest thing to do is eat out...which makes following the detox difficult. However, I did do it 7 days, I felt better and I got the needed boost to eat healthier...which was my intention all along. I can wallow in my failure to complete it or move on and strive for better. I've chosen to move on! I'm sure I will do it again in the coming days.

my mind is a house

Someone took a picture of me today and when I had the chance to see the photo...embarrassment swept over me and I just wanted to hide. The confidence I have been feeling lately disappeared and it was replaced with defeat. Just one little picture. I let that one little picture rob me. Rob me of confidence, joy, perseverance, a sense of accomplishment, contentment.

Here's the thing... My mind is like a house. And there's this robber that comes to my door often. He isn't like most robbers...this robber likes to knock on the door. He knocks on the door and if I open it, even just a crack, if I just let him in the doorway....it's over. He invades every room. I know he's coming and I know what he's capable of but I still let him in. This robber's name is Anxiety, Fear, Discontent, Defeat.

So here's the bad news...I live in this fallen, broken world and there are robbers. And the robber is always gonna come knockin'.

The good news...I also live in this beautiful world that's being restored and redeemed. And what's even cooler is that God's not asking me to just sit back and watch him restore it...he's invited me to join Him. Wow - talk about empowerment. I have the opportunity to be courageous in fearful moments, to experience joy in the midst of defeat and discontent, to feel freedom in the pit of anxiety. This is the road to restoration.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

Nakedness

I started going to therapy about a month ago. Not my first time but getting back into it after a couple years. There's a little part of me that thinks - I need to keep this secret - people might think I'm mentally ill, my marriage is broken, I'm spiritually immature or weak, I lack wisdom, I'm caught in the grips of horrible sin, etc. There seems to be a stigma with therapy in the American Church. We are hesitant to go and when we do we keep it private. Yes, therapy is a private thing but I believe our need to keep it private doesn't always have to do with privacy...but maybe more so SHAME. We are ashamed of seeking help. We are ashamed of showing others we are weak, that we are sinful, that we have broken relationships, that we are broken people, that we need help! We think...That therapy thing is for people who are really bad off! People who aren't seeking God. People who have an addiction. People who are on the brinks of divorce. In the wise words of Amy Poehler and Seth Myers..."Really? Really?!" There are so many things wrong with that mindset - first of all we're all bad off, second we all need help, third seeking help is seeking God... I could go on.

Before Adam and Eve knew they were naked there was no such thing as nakedness - it didn't exist because there was no alternative. We now think of them as naked, and after they sinned they knew they were naked but before then they were just people, not naked people, just people. Then sin entered the world and the first thing they did was cover their bodies. Isn't that interesting? I mean of all the things…after their "eyes were opened" they felt shame about their bodies. They felt vulnerable, exposed, naked. So they hid their nakedness. Which is kind of funny when you think about it because God has already seen them naked (He made them!) and they've already seen each other naked. So what's the big secret? Nonetheless they felt a need to HIDE. And then they tried to hide their sin. There is story after story in Scripture of God's people trying to hide. Hide their sin. Their brokenness. Their nakedness. It just seems like a good plan, right? It's the easy, logical thing to do. I can't remember if I've shared this before but…when I was a kid and it was time to clean my room, I would push everything in a corner, lay a blanket over it, and display my stuffed animals on top of the covered heap. And every time my mom would come in, take the animals off, unveil my heap, and just start pulling stuff out of the nicely packed pile. Oh man I was mad. Sometimes we just pack our stuff in a nice heap in the corner of our lives and cover it up with something nice and pretty. We think this is the easy, logical thing to do. It's too hard, painful, time consuming, frustrating, (fill in the word) to deal with it so we just need to COVER it.

So Adam and Eve hid, even though their bodies were no mystery. And I tried to hide my room mess, even though the big pile gave it away. So why do we do this? Why do we hide our brokenness, even though our imperfection was discovered thousands of years ago? We all know we're broken people, but we're afraid of revealing the mess. I'm not saying we all need to walk around airing our dirty laundry to every living person. That's not healthy either. But I'm learning to be more transparent. I'm learning to let God COVER my mess because He is the only one who can cover it. I'm learning that the mess is okay. IT'S OKAY.

the secret to weight loss

This is the really the first time I've experienced SUCCESS in weight loss. And I've discovered the secret. You probably won't find it in Redbook magazine, so put away your $3.95 plus tax and simply read these words....

SLOW & STEADY WINS THE RACE!

That's it! That is the secret! Maybe this is bad news to you. At first it was to me. I thought...You mean I have to exercise regularly? I have to eat smaller portions and healthy foods consistently? And after all that work I might only lose a pound or two a week?! YUP! But are you sure there isn't some exotic diet that has been discovered by a remote village that will elliminate the fat in my body? Maybe there is an herb or leaf I can just rub on my belly or the juice of some plant that will flush all the fat out? NOPE! Slow & steady wins the race!

Here is some better news if you're still feeling like this secret is bad news. The slow and steady race is actually really FREEING! I don't have a deadline. I don't have the pressure to lose 10 lbs in 10 days, or 3 pants sizes in 3 months. I don't have to survive with no carbs, no sugar, no taste. The pressure is off. And along the way, I'm changing not only on the outside but also the inside. I can guarentee you - you will not be changed on the inside on a 15 day diet. And you probably won't keep off any of the weight you lose. You definitely won't learn new habits or learn to love health and wellness. You'll dread, loathe, despise it. And you know what the equals....DEFEAT. Which, in case you're wondering, is pretty much the opposite of FREEDOM.

So this is my advice for you to get started on your slow & steady race...Start ONE healthy habit and do it for a few weeks or even a couple months. Just pick one thing. I think the first thing I did was cut out caffeine. You don't have to cut out anything completely. I chose to because it was causing other health issues but you could just cut down. Or maybe if exercise is completely foreign to you, try exercising just 1 day a week....or just 10 minutes a day. Whatever you do, make it small. I think that's why I've failed so many times...I set completely unrealistic, unattainable expectations that I could not meet and I felt DEFEATed and gave up. Set yourself up to succeed! And then when you feel like you're getting the hang of that one thing add something else or add some intensity to what you're already doing.

That is the secret...and it didn't cost a thing!

man voice

This past week has been crazy for Michael. For those of you who don't know...he is a Staff Writer for Student Life (a Christian events/curriculum company). So as they have been gearing up for summer camps, he has been super busy. Last Saturday I decided to join him at work and watch some rehearsals. (He also directs.) As I was watching one particular drama play out I realized this story was quite familiar. One of the characters was recalling a horrid event that happened to her as a child on the bus. And as she began telling it I knew exactly where it was going because this horrid event happened to me! Some kids in the back of the bus made fun of her (me) yelling "man voice, man voice, (meredith) has a man voice!" You see Michael had written this and he neglected to tell me that he used my story as inspiration for this character. So you can imagine I was a bit shocked as this started playing out on stage. It didn't bother me that Michael had used this. It was just a weird moment to see this acted out by someone who didn't know me, know that it was a real story, and that the real girl was sitting in the audience! Then I thought about how thousands of kids will watch it on stage this summer and I began to feel a bit vulnerable. Obviously no one knows it's me (except now that I'm sharing it for all to know!) and it really wasn't the worse thing that happened to me as a child. But it evidently made a lasting impression on me as I have remembered it ever since. I guess those kids thought my voice was too low and naturally coined the extremely witty name, "man voice." And since then I have had this little part of me that has been self-conscious about my voice.

My sister recently wrote a post about the power of words...more specifically the power of speaking truth into her kids lives. My nephew is 3 and struggles with fear, especially darkness. Nathalie shares that Asher was afraid to go down a dark hallway and instead of telling him he didn't have to be afraid, she simply said, "Asher you are BRAVE." And Asher believed it. He believed that he was brave and he did it. And when he returned he shouted "I did it, I did it! I'm BRAVE mommy!" Nathalie tells the story much better but I just wanted to give the gist because there is such an important message here. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to believe that I am "man voice Meredith" and let my life reflect that (un)truth about me....or I can choose to believe His truth that I am "made in the image of God Meredith" and let my life reflect that truth about me. There are a lot of things that I choose to believe other than THE TRUTH and my life definitely reflects it. It might be - I'm not pretty, I'm not interesting, I'm not smart enough, my life is purposeless, I have nothing to offer, I'm afraid...or it might be as silly as "My bangs are too short." I got a haircut the other day and the stylist cut my bangs way too short and I seriously let my day be controlled by that.

I love that Asher just believed it. He didn't argue with Nathalie. He didn't refuse to believe it. He just claimed it. And then he lived it. I need that in my life. As a deep thinker and seminary grad I've been trained to dissect, study, examine, and explore the Word. Which are wonderful things but because of this I really struggle with just believing what God says about me and trusting His promises. Sometimes it just feels easier to believe those kids in the back of the bus. Sometimes it just feels like less work, more real, tangible, less abstract. Do you ever feel like that? OR maybe in those instances it's because I'm not listening to anything else....I don't have His Word close to my heart, I've not meditated on it, I'm not speaking it, I'm not believing the truth that God has spoken to me, like a mother tells her child he is brave. Because God's Word IS real and tangible and speaks the truth about me and you.

beyond maintaining

So I haven't been blogging all that much...even after I said I was getting back into it after my trip. I have to be honest...lately I haven't had much interest in this whole weight loss journey. I haven't given up by any means. I've been treking along. I continue to watch what I eat and have a goal to exercise 3-5 times a week. But I haven't been giving it my all. I haven't been excited about it. Just been MAINTAINING. I saw a commercial today for some kind of weight loss company and the testimonial said "I've maintained my weight for 3 years!" Maintaining isn't lazy. There is work involved in maintaining. Some say they maintain their lawn. That is not easy work. Mowing, weeding, edging, watering. That's a lot of "ings." And as long as you maintain it, your lawn will always look like it always looks. Now, lets say you decide to plant some flowers, or grow an herb garden. Maybe you add a water feature. Then maybe you plant different flowers or add fruits and veggies to your garden. Then later you change the landscaping features. You're not just maintaining anymore, you're creating. And as long as you continue to create, your lawn will look differently, change, enhance, improve. Now, you can have a beautiful yard by maintaining it. BUT you won't experience the benefits of creativity, vision, and inspiration. You miss out on that thrill, delight, and satisfaction. Back to the weight thing. Yes, at some point you might reach your weight goal and you just want to work on maintaining it. But I still think there can be more to it. You could continue to educate yourself about food and exercise. You could mentor others. Work on other aspects of your health besides weight, like your blood pressure or cholesterol, or your emotional health and spiritual health (which very much affects your physical health). There is always more than just maintaining.

So...how do you move from maintaining to creating? I think creativity requires inspiration. BUT...I don't think it always begins with inspiration. Sometimes it takes some work before the inspiration comes. Take for example this blog post. I could have waited until I got some inspiration before writing but I didn't. I just started writing some sentences about how I was feeling and from there the inspiration came. So...what do I need to do next? I need to put in the work. I need to write blog posts, I need educate myself, I need to exercise harder, I need to talk to others who are doing the same, I need to work on other aspects of my health. And as I put in the work, I'll be inspired to do more and be more, to CREATE! That's kind of exciting. I'm even getting inspired as I write this! So go! Work! Move beyond maintaining to creating!

i'm still here!

Just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm still here! I've been sick the past few days and just now on the mend. I'm now in Nashville visiting fam and hope to get in a few walks these next few days. One plus of visiting the doctor (Friday) was being weighed. I always seem to weigh more there...so I was a bit worried. Do you have that problem? BUT I was actually down 2.5 more pounds! Yay!

Hope to do some more blogging in the next few days!

losing face

The picture on the left was the first one I took at the beginning of this journey (1.29.11). I look completely miserable! I 'm not even really looking at the camera and my face just looks sad! (I think the sun was in my eyes...so that was part of it). I wanted to take a close up of my face again today (4.18.11) and compare the two to see if there is any noticeable change. I tried my best to recreate that same wonderful look so I could get a more accurate comparison! Not perfect but close! :) And ya know I think there is some noticeable change! My chin is a little more defined and my face looks a bit less round, my neck looks thinner, and my glasses even look a little bigger on my face now. Now if I can just get my bottom half to shrink more! Oh - the joys of a pear shaped bod!

how I celebrated 20lbs

For those of you trying to think of ideas on how to celebrate weight loss, here are some that came my way via twitter/facebook friends:

• New jeans, shirt, or dress
• Go thrift store shopping
• Buy/download some tunes
• Take a day trip
• Picnic/hike at the park
• Frozen yogurt or other low cal dessert

Thanks everyone for your ideas!

I ended up doing three small things... I've been wanting to slowly fix up my bike. (It's a craigslist find - probably from the 80s, white & purple, not so pretty, with some rusted parts.) I recently purchased a new seat, so this time I decided to buy some new handle bar grips because the ones I have make my hands sore and raw. Michael and I also went to Jason's Deli, got the salad bar but splurged on a small cup of their delicious ice cream. I also thought about buying a new shirt or jeans but I usually end up upset when I shop. I start trying things on and am not happy with what I see or the size I have to get. I'd rather wait until I shed some more pounds so I can really experience the difference of my size and such. The whole point is to celebrate and I wasn't sure if trying on clothes would lead to celebration or frustration. So instead...I bought some new underwears! Maybe I'll do some new clothes at 30lbs. :)

Small things but happy things! And it was fun spending the afternoon with my hubby!

michael scott & the spiritual wilderness

I've been re-reading The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen. (A must read!) In the first section of this book he explores the discipline of solitude. He comments that many of us see solitude as a time and space separated for rejuvenation. Spa time. Therapy. Rest time. Me time. But actually the discipline of solitude isn't this at all. Experiencing solitude means being completely vulnerable. It means being without comfort, support, distractions, busyness. And Nouwen adds...

It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.

It is in solitude that we are confronted with the hidden and neglected pockets of our souls. The areas we work so hard to avoid. I think many of us neglect this discipline because it often brings us to a very undesirable place...the wilderness. There is an episode of The Office in which Michael Scott, the quirky insecure manager of a paper supply company, is determined to spend a couple days in the wilderness after discovering that several guys from the office went on a camping trip and neglected to invite him. So, Michael sets out on a trip of his own, Man vs. Wild style, to prove to his peers that he doesn't need them.

After arriving, he attempts an assortment of "wilderness" activities. He uses his pant legs to fashion a hat and build a tent, his suit jacket to make a backpack of some sort, and searches for nourishment...only to eat poisonous mushrooms. At this, he gives up after only a couple hours. He ends up back at the office and tells the camera he doesn't need the wilderness. He has everything he needs right there....a wood desk, fresh air from AC, wide open spaces on his desktop picture of the grand canyon. He says that "man became civilized for a reason...he didn't want to struggle to survive." If you are a frequent viewer of The Office you know two important facts about Michael Scott (which this episode perfectly displays) - 1) his greatest fear is loneliness and 2) Dunder Mifflin is his home, where he feels a sense of belonging. So it is not a surprise that his wilderness venture fails. This humorous picture reveals some great truths. I think a lot of us are like Michael Scott. When we enter the wilderness we are pressed to COPE. We look for shelter and protection, search for nourishment that might end up poisoning us, and if possible we find our way out and back to civilization and comfort as fast as we can. We don't want to struggle to survive. We run from loneliness and toward belonging.

My time in seminary and this past year, following graduation, has probably been the most difficult and darkest season in my spiritual life. In seminary I was faced with an overload of information about theology. Everyone and their mom has an opinion about every detail of theology and there are about a million ways to interpret Scripture. I felt completely overwhelmed and lost in the crowd of voices. I was faced with questions I had never considered. And Fuller did a pretty awesome thing (that was very frustrating at the time). They didn't provide a ton of answers. My professors taught us, gave us resources, posed the questions, but left it up to us to discover and learn (through an enormous amount of reading and writing). I thought I'd find answers in seminary! But in reality I left with more questions.

Have you ever been there? Lots of questions and no answers? This is not an easy place to be. It's scary, frustrating, and lonely. And I'm not sure I'm out of the wilderness yet. Sometimes I feel like this weightloss journey might be GOD LEADING ME OUT. It's amazing how much our physical lives intertwine with our spiritual ones. I think overeating and laziness has been a way I have coped in the wilderness. I didn't want to face my nothingness, the hidden and neglected pockets of my soul. My struggles, fears, questions. I wanted to find that protection, comfort, and nourishment. Eating became something I could depend on. Three times a day I have to eat. When I eat I get to be occupied with that activity. I don't have to do anything else. I don't have to answer any questions, face my fears, make plans, stress about the unknown. I just get to sit and eat. It's an escape. So, why not make the most of that...and eat more. But this pursuit for nourishment wasn't nourishment at all - it was poisonous.

For the past three months I've been paying more attention to how I feel as I eat. Am I eating because I'm hungry or because I feel lost? And if it's not because I'm hungry then what do I need to work through? What am I avoiding? I think one of the most important things I took away from seminary is the value of asking meaningful questions. Sometimes it stinks. I KNOW. But questions move us into the deeper hidden places of our hearts and minds. So I leave you with a few...

What are you avoiding?

What do you depend on?

When is the last time you spent some serious time in solitude, not at the spa or by taking a nap,

but uninterrupted, facing your nothingness kind of solitude?

What questions do you need to ask yourself?

chasing butterflies

I'm spending the week in Tennessee with my sister and her fam. Yesterday my nephew and I went out into the field adjacent to my sister's house and chased butterflies. There were about 3 or 4 of them. We'd go after one, lose track of it, but find another and start chasing it. Then we'd lose it and go after another. Then another. We were basically running in circles. And at the end we didn't catch one. None. But what was even better than catching a butterfly was the memory we made. We could not stop laughing. It was the best laugh I've had in awhile and was one of the most fun things I've done with Asher. (And I probably burned quite a few calories along the way!)

Since I've been here I haven't had my usual workout. I've been fairly active riding bikes, playing ball, jumping the trampoline and chasing butterflies, BUT I am a checklist person. When I'm unable to log a certain amount of time and don't have an idea of how many calories I burned, I start to feel a bit off track or somewhat defeated. But I'm learning (and have been my whole life) to let go. Again (like I've shared before), it's about the journey, the process. Not about a number or list. It's about staying active, enjoying life, and being healthy. It's about chasing uncatchable butterflies. Asher and I didn't chase them to add to a collection, or in hopes to find a new species, or to even keep one. We did because it was fun! Because it was a beautiful Spring day. And because Asher loves anything insect related. So, the moral is let go and enjoy the journey. You will burn out and fail indeed if you make it about a checklist. Take a day off from the elliptical machine and go chase some butterflies!

funny faces

When I was in fifth grade my teacher, Mrs. Bell, had a meeting with my parents. She said I was doing great except I always seemed sad. My parents were surprised by this because I was the family clown. I always made everyone laugh - especially if there was unhappiness looming around the house for whatever reason. I was the first to break the tension and cheer everyone up. I guess when I was at school I felt uncomfortable, shy, wanted to hide and not draw attention. Even then I wasn't happy with my body. But when my parents told me my teacher thought I was always sad, it changed something in me. My self-consciousness was translating sadness and I did not like that one bit. I wanted people to see on the outside what I felt on the inside. So, I really did change. By the end of the year, Mrs. Bell said she saw a 180 in me. I was a happy child, full of energy, and attracting many more friends....and even got into a little trouble for my chattiness.

The other night I was skyping with my family and my mom commented on my humor and funny faces. Apparently I make funny faces. And I realized once again I rarely show that side me to anyone else but my closest of friends (maybe a 2 or 3 people) and my immediate family. SO - today I was taking a couple pictures to add to my progress page and I decided to do a few funny faces to share with the blogosphere. Hopefully I'll start breaking out of my shell more and more along this journey. Enjoy!

Truth # 3: I am not defined by my body... (continuation of Funerals, Full House & Vanity)

Earlier this week I wrote a post called Funerals, Full House, & Vanity. If you haven't yet, read it first. This post is a continuation of that discussion. Today's truth "I am not defined by my body" was threaded throughout that post and today I want to briefly look at some Scripture to anchor this truth.

"I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

1 Corinthians 15:50-54

Things that end, die, perish will do just that...they will end, die, and perish. Nothing on this earth will last forever. One day it will die. So, how can it be that I will experience everlasting life? How can this body of mine last an eternity if it is perishable? It can't. "Flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God." Can't be done. IMPOSSIBLE. That's why we have cemeteries and crematories and tombstones and caskets. That's why we stand in lines and say goodbye to dead people in open caskets. Their bodies are gone. Papa's thin, disease afflicted, bald headed, wrinkled, lifeless body is buried in the ground and seen no more.

So again I ask - how is it that I believe I'll live eternally? Because my body will be made new. My body today has been made to endure an earthly life. It has limitations, it has weaknesses, it has imperfections. No matter how much I work to perfect it - whether it be lose weight, gain muscle, whiten my teeth, dress it in stylish clothes, dye my hair, etc. - it will one day perish and be no more. It will never be perfect enough to endure a heavenly life...only an earthly one. Therefore - my body, my appearance can't be what defines who I am. It is perishable. I'll leave it behind in the ground one day. I cannot depend on my body for anything. I can't find satisfaction and fulfillment in a trimmer waistline. Only in Christ can I experience satisfaction and fulfillment. Only by my character, my attributes, my adoption by Christ can I be defined. Meredith, follower and lover of Christ, will inherit the kingdom of God.

In Funerals, Full House, and Vanity, I ended by asking how I can live in a way that I'm not focused on my appearance, in which I believe I'm not define by my appearance. I said what I need is my mind to be transformed. I need to think differently. I need to stop conforming to the world's way. I need to be transformed by a renewed mind. A mind that thinks kingdom thoughts. A mind that focuses on Christ's love for me and who I am. A mind that hopes for a new body. A mind that believes I am defined by adoption in Christ and not the scale and my jeans size. With a transformed mind - How then would I live my day? How then would I serve others? How then would I love my husband?

funerals, full house, & vanity

Isn't it strange that at funerals we stand in lines to see someone who is no longer there? A body lays in an open box. We put on their best blue suit and dress them with jewelry and make up. A body that is lifeless and empty. A body that once housed a person. But is now just empty. We stare and we say, "He looks so good." Or "They really did a good job capturing her." What does that even mean? We touch a hand. Shed a tear. And say goodbye. We say goodbye to a body. A BODY. The person that once lived inside that body is already gone. Maybe we didn't get to say goodbye to them. Maybe they left without notice. So this is our chance. This is our last opportunity to say goodbye. But really...we're saying goodbye to a body. That body isn't really that person anymore. Everything that we loved about that person is gone. If that person was that body, we wouldn't be burying it. Of course the body is a part of who we are. We obviously wouldn't survive without our bodies! But once the body dies, we move on. We leave it behind. It's of no use to us.

Now, if you're like me you're in a weird place now. You're in this philosophical cloud and need to touch something tangible, do something mindless, or go put your hands in the grass outside. Bear with me. This is a strange thing to think about. It's just strange. Life is weird! Isn't it?! Well, that's a whole other subject to discuss. Right now I'm more interested in discussing our bodies. OUR BODIES AREN'T WHAT DEFINE US. My body doesn't define me. My appearance doesn't define who I am. It's simple and we're told this all our lives. I can just see the closing clip on Full House now... The music chimes in and Danny has a heart to heart with DJ. "It's not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's on the inside." But then we don't really live like that, do we? We have beauty contests and two hundred dollar jeans. We attach our best photo to our college applications and social media sites. We see magazines covered in models. Fashion police at the Oscars. Makeup. Hair salons. Teeth whitener. Braces. Nail polish. De-wrinklers. Face-lifts. Boob jobs. Fashion trends. Make-up on dead people. Our culture spends a lot of money on and pays a lot of attention to our bodies. And I would say it's no different in the Christian community. Do you see a difference? Besides words? Unfortunately...I don't see a difference.

How do we teach our kids not to focus on appearance if we're so wrapped up in it ourselves? I'm not a parent (yet) but I wonder about this for when we do have kids. How will I show them that their appearance doesn't define them? How do I live in a way in which my words become action? How do I stress less? How do I have more confidence in who I am and what I can offer? Let me just add this....yes our bodies are important and we need to take care of them. Obviously I believe this or I wouldn't be on this journey. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about having a healthy confidence in our bodies and our whole beings. I'm talking about living less in vanity. We call people who are a little too confident in their looks vain. However, I think I can be just as vain because of my lack of confidence. I probably spend just as much time worrying about my body (if not more) than the person who worships theirs. I want to live in a way in which I don't not go to gatherings because I don't have something cool to wear or I worry that I'm heavier or not as pretty as all the people there. I want to stop holding back my thoughts and opinions because I don't want people to look at me when I'm talking. I want to wear a swimsuit and go to the beach with my husband. I want to worry less about getting my hair just right or finding the perfect outfit after making piles (that I know my husband so appreciates) all over our bedroom floor. Really what I need is a transformation of my mind.

Lord, help me no longer conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I might know more of who You are and what you want for me.

Truth #2: The work is just (if not more) important than the results.

In the movie, Life as a House, George Monroe (played by Kevin Kline) is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Without anyone's knowledge of his illness, he takes custody of his son, Sam (played by Hayden Christensen) for the summer. Sam is a rebellious, unenthusiastic, cynical young man and bitter and angry with his father. In hopes to repair their relationship, he recruits him to help finish building his dream house. Throughout the summer George and Sam slowly repair their relationship. At one point George shares with Sam about his own father, an alcoholic, abusive man, who killed George's mom and injured a young girl while driving drunk. Before finishing the house, George dies. In honor of his father, Sam, finishes the house and gives it away to the injured young girl now grown up with two kids of her own.

This story beautifully displays the very thing I'm learning right now. The work is just (if not more) important than the results. As I've been putting in all these hours of workouts and being mindful of what I eat and just everything involved in this journey, I have been thinking a lot about results....seeing the fruition of all my hard work. And really, this has been a huge theme in my life this past year. This month marks a year since I graduated from Fuller Theological Seminary. Since then I have been eagerly awaiting a fulfilling job, a title, a meaningful purpose for my life. I have struggled with finding purpose in the everyday life. I want so much to make a mark. To do something worthwhile. To have a job or title that reflects my education, my "status," my thousands of borrowed dollars that keep my husband and I from living comfortably. I want to be recognized, known, appreciated, admired. I want to see the fruition of all my hard work.

While watching Life as a House, the viewer is rooting for George to finish this house he's been working on on and off for decades. It's his dream house. He picked the exact spot with a beautiful view of the ocean. He designed it, selected all the materials, and started building it with his own two hands. This is his life's work. So much sweat and tears. He finally sets out to finish it...but he dies just a few short months, maybe weeks before its completed.

Abraham did not receive the Promise land, his offspring did. David did not build the temple, his son did. Paul did not experience Jesus’ return, even though he preached it and believed he would. More recently, Martin Luther King Jr. did not experience the fruition of his work and desire for civil unity, however his offspring and generations passed have. Why does God work like this? What does this mean for my life? How does this affect the work I do? My purpose?

A verse comes to mind...

...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ. -Philippians 1:6

We hear this and think - Ok, there is hope. One day I'll get that job. One day my relationship will be mended. One day I'll be in better shape. Be recognized. Be able to trust more. Fear less. Be free of disease or depression. See my friend come to know the Lord. And so on and so on. God has begun this thing in me so I will see the results I'm hoping for. But that's not really what it says and it's definitely not we see throughout Scripture. I know without a doubt God's work in Paul transformed Paul. And God did complete his work in Paul. But the work God was doing through Paul wasn't complete. And Paul didn't see the completion...none of us have. The work God began in Paul continued after Paul. God is still using that work today in my life...and millions of others past, present, and future. And he will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ! It was the work that God did in Paul that transformed Paul, not results. It was the work of George and Sam that transformed them, not results. Put it another way - the transformation IS the results, not a house. In the end it was just a house. Wood, nails, and cement. Sam even gave the house away! The work was never about building the house, it was about building a relationship, a life worthwhile.

So, on my journey, both with my fitness track and my vocational track and everything in between, I'm learning to focus less on the results I desire so much and more on the work. The workouts and healthy eating will produce weightloss results. I've already seen them! But also, how is this work transforming me in other ways? What am I gaining that is so much more valuable than a trimmer waist? Discipline. Determination. Confidence. Joy. I'm learning to love myself and to more fully receive God's love.

*This is the 2nd in a series called Truth for Movers. It is a weekly series dedicated to discussing biblical truths that will hopefully provide encouragement for our journey and insight into our human struggle with body image. To find more posts in this series click here.

Truth # 1: I am broken but my Creator is not.

The universe was empty.

Void.

Dark.

Heaven and earth had no name.

The universe was empty.

Empty.

Except for water. Water existed. It existed in the form of two gods: Apsu and Tiamut.

By now you know I am not describing the biblical creation story. The story of Apsu and Tiamut comes to us from the Babylonians. It is a mythical story that goes on to tell us of the creation of the universe. In short, this is how it goes:

Many gods are birthed and live within Tiamut’s being. They cause a ruckus and are plotted against by Apsu (Tiamut's husband). But before Apsu can destroy them, he is killed in his sleep by one of the gods. This god joins with another god and they have a son, Marduk. Marduk becomes the most powerful god in existence. He and Tiamut then battle because she is upset about her husband, Apsu, being killed. Marduk wins the battle, splitting Tiamut into two halves, and thus, of course, creating the world and everything in it - the sky and earth, day and night, plants and animals, and lastly creates man from the blood of Kingu, Tiamut’s second husband.

Many myths like this one existed in the Ancient Near East, but this one is especially important. It’s called the Enuma Elish. This myth was believed and recognized to be the story of the origin of the universe in Mesopotamia long before the biblical creation story was known. Centuries. It was celebrated and re-enacted annually. It was passed down generation to generation. It was the genesis of their gods, their humanity, their life and culture. Many creation stories existed before the biblical story. These myths, like the 7-tablet, thousand lined Babylonian epic described above, defined their religious life and worship and defined the gods they worshiped.

Some have said that the story in Genesis is only a retelling of this Babylonian myth. Even though the content is very different, there is no doubt that the two have very similar language, phrasing, and even ordering. However, others say it is because of these similarities that make the biblical creation story all the more powerful and meaningful.

The creation story we find in the Bible was spoken before it was written. Mothers and fathers told this story to their children and grandparents to their grandchildren. This story reflected the current beliefs and ideas about the universe at the time in the Ancient Near East...beliefs and ideas that were influenced by the Enuma Elish. However, it uses these ideas to tell a new story about creation. A story about a different God. About One God. About a God who needs no other to create. A God who doesn’t rely on human needs like food, sex, and sleep. A God who speaks things into existence instead of battles them into existence. A God who gives humanity companionship, not chains. A God who doesn’t demand worship, but just is worshiped. Worshiped by rocks and plants. A God who has no beginning or end but just IS. A God who is Creator but also Deliverer and Provider. You see, this story that was shared over campfires and meals was drastically different than anything the people at this time had heard before. Can you imagine hearing this story of creation after hearing the stories of Mesopotamia your whole life. The biblical story isn’t a scientific account of creation. These people had no interest or knowledge of scientific concepts. Its purpose was to show us who God is, the Creator of the world, but also the God of the Jewish people. Because it uses elements of older myths and beliefs of the culture but tells a different story it points us to the character of God. It’s setting up the scene for us. It’s inviting us to know the God of a much greater story. The story of redemption.

In Genesis 2 we read that this perfect God creates humanity. He creates humanity in his image. You know the story. In the end we fail. We rebel. We break the covenant. And because of this humanity is broken.

Imperfect.

Ashamed.

Skeptical.

We are in need of something to hide our imperfection.

To hide our shame.

Our skepticism.

We need redemption. Grace. We need to be covered. And our perfect Creator covers us. He covers us with garments of animal skins. Garments that this perfect, all-knowing, blameless, unblemished, loving God fashions himself.

And He continues to cover us.

With grace.

And blood.

This is the Creator of my body. This is the God that I need.

To cover me.

Cover my imperfection.

My shame.

My skepticism.

I am broken and imperfect but my Creator is not.

*This is the 1st in a series called Truth for Movers. It is a weekly series dedicated to discussing biblical truths that will hopefully provide encouragement for our journey and insight into our human struggle with body image. To find more posts in this series (in the future) click here.