michael scott & the spiritual wilderness

I've been re-reading The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen. (A must read!) In the first section of this book he explores the discipline of solitude. He comments that many of us see solitude as a time and space separated for rejuvenation. Spa time. Therapy. Rest time. Me time. But actually the discipline of solitude isn't this at all. Experiencing solitude means being completely vulnerable. It means being without comfort, support, distractions, busyness. And Nouwen adds...

It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.

It is in solitude that we are confronted with the hidden and neglected pockets of our souls. The areas we work so hard to avoid. I think many of us neglect this discipline because it often brings us to a very undesirable place...the wilderness. There is an episode of The Office in which Michael Scott, the quirky insecure manager of a paper supply company, is determined to spend a couple days in the wilderness after discovering that several guys from the office went on a camping trip and neglected to invite him. So, Michael sets out on a trip of his own, Man vs. Wild style, to prove to his peers that he doesn't need them.

After arriving, he attempts an assortment of "wilderness" activities. He uses his pant legs to fashion a hat and build a tent, his suit jacket to make a backpack of some sort, and searches for nourishment...only to eat poisonous mushrooms. At this, he gives up after only a couple hours. He ends up back at the office and tells the camera he doesn't need the wilderness. He has everything he needs right there....a wood desk, fresh air from AC, wide open spaces on his desktop picture of the grand canyon. He says that "man became civilized for a reason...he didn't want to struggle to survive." If you are a frequent viewer of The Office you know two important facts about Michael Scott (which this episode perfectly displays) - 1) his greatest fear is loneliness and 2) Dunder Mifflin is his home, where he feels a sense of belonging. So it is not a surprise that his wilderness venture fails. This humorous picture reveals some great truths. I think a lot of us are like Michael Scott. When we enter the wilderness we are pressed to COPE. We look for shelter and protection, search for nourishment that might end up poisoning us, and if possible we find our way out and back to civilization and comfort as fast as we can. We don't want to struggle to survive. We run from loneliness and toward belonging.

My time in seminary and this past year, following graduation, has probably been the most difficult and darkest season in my spiritual life. In seminary I was faced with an overload of information about theology. Everyone and their mom has an opinion about every detail of theology and there are about a million ways to interpret Scripture. I felt completely overwhelmed and lost in the crowd of voices. I was faced with questions I had never considered. And Fuller did a pretty awesome thing (that was very frustrating at the time). They didn't provide a ton of answers. My professors taught us, gave us resources, posed the questions, but left it up to us to discover and learn (through an enormous amount of reading and writing). I thought I'd find answers in seminary! But in reality I left with more questions.

Have you ever been there? Lots of questions and no answers? This is not an easy place to be. It's scary, frustrating, and lonely. And I'm not sure I'm out of the wilderness yet. Sometimes I feel like this weightloss journey might be GOD LEADING ME OUT. It's amazing how much our physical lives intertwine with our spiritual ones. I think overeating and laziness has been a way I have coped in the wilderness. I didn't want to face my nothingness, the hidden and neglected pockets of my soul. My struggles, fears, questions. I wanted to find that protection, comfort, and nourishment. Eating became something I could depend on. Three times a day I have to eat. When I eat I get to be occupied with that activity. I don't have to do anything else. I don't have to answer any questions, face my fears, make plans, stress about the unknown. I just get to sit and eat. It's an escape. So, why not make the most of that...and eat more. But this pursuit for nourishment wasn't nourishment at all - it was poisonous.

For the past three months I've been paying more attention to how I feel as I eat. Am I eating because I'm hungry or because I feel lost? And if it's not because I'm hungry then what do I need to work through? What am I avoiding? I think one of the most important things I took away from seminary is the value of asking meaningful questions. Sometimes it stinks. I KNOW. But questions move us into the deeper hidden places of our hearts and minds. So I leave you with a few...

What are you avoiding?

What do you depend on?

When is the last time you spent some serious time in solitude, not at the spa or by taking a nap,

but uninterrupted, facing your nothingness kind of solitude?

What questions do you need to ask yourself?

funerals, full house, & vanity

Isn't it strange that at funerals we stand in lines to see someone who is no longer there? A body lays in an open box. We put on their best blue suit and dress them with jewelry and make up. A body that is lifeless and empty. A body that once housed a person. But is now just empty. We stare and we say, "He looks so good." Or "They really did a good job capturing her." What does that even mean? We touch a hand. Shed a tear. And say goodbye. We say goodbye to a body. A BODY. The person that once lived inside that body is already gone. Maybe we didn't get to say goodbye to them. Maybe they left without notice. So this is our chance. This is our last opportunity to say goodbye. But really...we're saying goodbye to a body. That body isn't really that person anymore. Everything that we loved about that person is gone. If that person was that body, we wouldn't be burying it. Of course the body is a part of who we are. We obviously wouldn't survive without our bodies! But once the body dies, we move on. We leave it behind. It's of no use to us.

Now, if you're like me you're in a weird place now. You're in this philosophical cloud and need to touch something tangible, do something mindless, or go put your hands in the grass outside. Bear with me. This is a strange thing to think about. It's just strange. Life is weird! Isn't it?! Well, that's a whole other subject to discuss. Right now I'm more interested in discussing our bodies. OUR BODIES AREN'T WHAT DEFINE US. My body doesn't define me. My appearance doesn't define who I am. It's simple and we're told this all our lives. I can just see the closing clip on Full House now... The music chimes in and Danny has a heart to heart with DJ. "It's not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's on the inside." But then we don't really live like that, do we? We have beauty contests and two hundred dollar jeans. We attach our best photo to our college applications and social media sites. We see magazines covered in models. Fashion police at the Oscars. Makeup. Hair salons. Teeth whitener. Braces. Nail polish. De-wrinklers. Face-lifts. Boob jobs. Fashion trends. Make-up on dead people. Our culture spends a lot of money on and pays a lot of attention to our bodies. And I would say it's no different in the Christian community. Do you see a difference? Besides words? Unfortunately...I don't see a difference.

How do we teach our kids not to focus on appearance if we're so wrapped up in it ourselves? I'm not a parent (yet) but I wonder about this for when we do have kids. How will I show them that their appearance doesn't define them? How do I live in a way in which my words become action? How do I stress less? How do I have more confidence in who I am and what I can offer? Let me just add this....yes our bodies are important and we need to take care of them. Obviously I believe this or I wouldn't be on this journey. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about having a healthy confidence in our bodies and our whole beings. I'm talking about living less in vanity. We call people who are a little too confident in their looks vain. However, I think I can be just as vain because of my lack of confidence. I probably spend just as much time worrying about my body (if not more) than the person who worships theirs. I want to live in a way in which I don't not go to gatherings because I don't have something cool to wear or I worry that I'm heavier or not as pretty as all the people there. I want to stop holding back my thoughts and opinions because I don't want people to look at me when I'm talking. I want to wear a swimsuit and go to the beach with my husband. I want to worry less about getting my hair just right or finding the perfect outfit after making piles (that I know my husband so appreciates) all over our bedroom floor. Really what I need is a transformation of my mind.

Lord, help me no longer conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I might know more of who You are and what you want for me.

I'm such a Thomas

Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Take a deep breath and in the quiet and still say that to yourself a few times. "Surrender." I'm not so sure you can even say that word without taking a deep breath. Am I right? Well, I'm learning more and more that this is really the only solution to all my anxiety, worries, concerns, skepticism, frustration, fears, insecurity, and pride. I can worry or I can surrender. I can be frustrated and confused or I can surrender. I can be paralyzed by fear or I can surrender. I can be insecure in my body and inabilities or I can surrender. Surrender means freedom. Surrender means joy. But there is something in my embedded theology that tells me surrendering means being unprepared, being caught off guard, being a fool or unintelligent. If I stop worrying or fearing, I won't be prepared for the possibilities. If I stop being insecure, I'll be taken off guard when someone hurts me. If I stop being a skeptic, I'll be taken for a fool when what I believe turns out to be rubbish. The unfortunate thing in this theology is that I am robbed of joy, of freedom, of experiencing meaningful moments in life! I have missed friends' weddings because I was too insecure about my appearance. I have missed so many things in my life because I was too prideful and scared to surrender whatever I was gripping. How self-centered is that?! Obviously, I can never fully surrender because I am an imperfect, broken human. I need help. I need help from THE Surrenderer. Seriously, sometimes just praying over and over, "I surrender, Jesus. I surrender." is the most releasing, freeing, therapeutic experience for me.

A passage that has always resonated with me in terms of surrendering can be found in John 20. It's the story about Jesus appearing to the disciples after his death. He appears to all of them, except Thomas. Thomas wasn't there. So his friends come and tell him what they've seen. Thomas says he won't believe them until he's seen him, until he's seen his nail marks, put his fingers where the nails were and put his hand in his side. Thomas isn't surrendering his pride. He isn't surrendering his unbelief and skepticism. He doesn't want to be taken for a fool, right? He's too prideful. He refuses to surrender. Because Jesus is gracious, he gives Thomas what he needs in order to believe. He lets him see the nail marks and touch his wounds. And Jesus says, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” We don't know what happens next. Have you ever wondered? What did Thomas say in response to that?! Imagine yourself in that situation. Man, what a FOOL I'd feel like. Wait...what? A fool?! No, not a fool because that's the very thing he was trying to avoid...right? Yes - a fool. It's important to note something else. The other disciples told Thomas about seeing Jesus (ya know -when he refused to believe them) a week before Jesus appeared to Thomas. So that means Thomas missed out on all the joy his friends were experiencing for a whole week. Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if his unbelief and lack of trust in his friends caused some tension in those relationships. I'm so glad the writer of this gospel chose to include this story. I am such a Thomas and I need to hear that Jesus is gracious to Thomases. I need to hear that Jesus wants more for me. He wants me to experience joy and freedom. He wants me to be blessed.

welcome to my blog

Hi! My name is Meredith and I'm 27 years old. I've created this blog to share my journey to better health. For most of my grown up life I have been fairly unhappy with my body. If there is any point when I was semi satisfied with my physique it was when I got married in 2006. I was confident in a strapless dress and didn't think twice about being in front of a crowd. I wasn't perfect but I was content. Since then I've gained about 70 lbs and make a habit out of hiding. Wow, that was really hard to write. It's embarrassing and discouraging. I'm not exactly sure what happened. I suppose I just stopped caring what I was putting in my body and I've never been great at exercising. And I may have picked up a few bad habits of my slender, can eat anything and not gain a pound husband. (Love you hunny!) Well, 4 years have passed and I'm very happily married but physically miserable. I'm tired of hiding, sitting on my butt, and throwing pity parties. I've decided the only way I'm going to get my rear in gear is if I have the accountability (& hopefully encouragement) of the world wide web. So here I am. Follow me as I eat less, eat healthier, and MOVE more.