the beauty and mess of relationships

Over the past 6 months my social life has expanded a great deal. I started a new job in September and Michael and I joined a community of believers in Octoberish - and there we joined a small group and started leading college ministry stuff. Since then we've met a whole lot of people and have begun quite a few new relationships. I LOVE relationships. I love connecting. Community. Meaningful conversation. Vulnerability. Relating. Reciprocating. Learning. Journeying. Relationships fill me. Fulfill me. Give me a joy like no other thing on this earth.

But they also stress me out.

Since they mean so so much to me...I tend to worry. I worry about what others think of me. If they like me as much as I like them. If I talk too much. If I talk too little. If I'm too eager. If I'm cool enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I worry about how I look...my clothes. Bleh, my clothes! Oh how I wish I could dress cooler. If I only had the quirky wardrobe of Zooey Deschanel...then I'd be the cool kid. But alas I'm stuck with my two worn, stained and faded pairs of jeans, and a collection of tshirts I've acquired from work events and thrift stores. I only have two or three shirts I consider fancy...and they aren't fancy. I worry. I want to know what others think of me. How do they see me? Do I offer anything? Do they gain anything whatsoever from my company?

There is a lot of mystery in my relationship with God. A LOT. I have a lot of questions...and I struggle with not knowing. Not knowing all of him. Not knowing the ins and outs of his plan, process, and history.

But this....this I know. He's already told me. He knows me. He knows ME more than any person on this earth. More than any friend that I have or any friend that I'm pursuing. And I can feel completely secure in my relationship with him. Completely secure. He does think I'm cool enough, smart enough, interesting enough. He sees me how I truly am....something I don't think I'm able to do...and he accepts me. He goes a step further...he desires me. He loves me. He wants to spend every moment with me. He wants to connect, converse, relate, reciprocate. He wants to fill me. Fulfill me. Wow...that is a breath of fresh air to me. THAT is good news.

I am so thankful for relationships. For the mess of them and the beauty of them. And I'm learning it's okay that there's mystery. A smart man once said, "it's suppose to be hard...the hard is what makes it great." (200 points to the person who can name this movie!) The character was talking about baseball no less, but I think this applies to most things in life, don't you? :) Relationships are hard and that is what makes them great. They challenge us. Shape us. Stretch us. A good relationship may cause hurt. But that hurt makes us who we are...it draws us closer to HIM. To the Creator. To the One who knows us completely. And loves us completely.

my first kiss

Today I was reminiscing about my first kiss. Well my very first kiss happened at a church potluck when I was six. But that's not the one I was thinking about. This one occurred much later in life...when I was 21. Michael and I had been dating for a couple months. This inevitable kiss was beginning to cause some anxiety on my part and our dates were a mix of all kinds of feelings. I wanted to kiss him. My first kiss was something I had dreamed about since I was girl...laying in bed, listening to Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby," fantasizing about the perfect first kiss. But the fact that I was now 21 and it hadn't happened and that it was quickly approaching added pessure, anxiety, and nervousness. So much build up. What would it be like? What do I do? What if I'm horrible at it? At least two dates had passed in which Michael leaned in and I turned my head and gave him a cozy hug instead. I had probably already ruined any chance he'd try again anyway, I thought. Poor guy! Finally, we talked about it. I told him. "I've never kissed anyone and I'm super nervous about it. I'm just not ready yet." I remember like it was yesterday. We were standing by his car outside Barnes & Noble. Michael looked at me sweetly and told me we didn't have to yet...that he wouldn't kiss me until I was ready...to not worry about it when we're together. "I won't kiss you until you let me know you're ready." Ahhh pressure was off and it felt great. I felt at ease with him. Comfortable. Cared about. Safe. And all the sudden my fears began to dissipate and my desire to kiss him quickly increased. A few days later I was housesitting for a family at my church. Michael came over to watch a movie. We sat close on the couch and all I could think about was kissing him and how in the world I was going to let him know I was ready. As the movie played I played out numerous scenerios in my mind. Do I just lean over and kiss him? Do I lick my lips and wink? (haha can you imagine? horrible) Do I write a note and pass it to him under the covers? Do I write k-i-s-s across his knee with my finger? It was the last scene of the movie and butterflies were swarming. The credits began to roll and I just blurted out, "I'm ready! I'm ready to kiss." Michael laughed a little (in a sweet nonteasing way), said okay, and leaned in for the kiss. But it was met with nervous laughter. All I could do was laugh. He continued to try and I could not stop laughing. We were both laughing now and this kiss was not happening. Finally Michael looked at me and in a serious tone said, "I'm going to kiss you now." So he pinned me down on the couch and kissed me. It was wonderful. I wasn't horrible...I don't think. And next, we did what most people do...we went outside and jumped on the trampoline on that beautiful summer's night. It is one of my most fun and happiest memories.

I can't create that moment again. It's passed. If we tried to act it out again, it might be fun, but it won't be the same. But there is definitely something so comforting in remembering. Do you have movies or shows you watch over and over again? Not because they're that great but because they take you to a simpler time. They take you to a time that has already happened. Nothing is unknown, nothing is uncertain. Not just because you know the story but because you are reliving a time in your own life....when you first watched the movie. It's comforting. It's safe. It's known.

The past, unlike the present, isn't scary. You know you made it through. There are a lot of things in my life that are unknown. What's the next step for me vocationally? How do I use my degrees? Should I go back to school? How do we pay off our debt? When will I be able get my act together and lose this weight? When are we going to have a baby? Should I meet my weightloss goal before I get pregnant? Can we afford to have a baby? Do I work when we have a baby? (okay you're probably noticing a trend here ;)) Anyway - there's a lot of stuff. Stuff that overwhelms me. Makes things messy. Complicates things. Distracts me. Distracts me from my goals. Distracts me from sweet simple moments in my marriage. Don't get me wrong - it's important stuff. But it's just good to be intentional about the small stuff. To remember but also create. Keep creating joy-filled moments.

I discovered a blog post this morning that talks about creating those moments in your marriage - The 4 Minute Marriage Habit: How to make 2012 the year you fall madly in love all over again - by Ann Voskamp and it inspired me. Her posts always inspire me. If you're married I know you'll relate...read it.

this blog stinks

So I just realized something. I've been so frustrating with myself for my lack of motivation and consistency in the past few months. And even more frustrated about how every blog post I write is about how I'm not motivated and inconsistent. And I keep trying to analyze what's missing...what's changed...why am I struggling so much with this?! So I looked back at what was going on in my life when I started this thing and remembered that I had pretty much NOTHING going on in my life last January through May, and even after May, I only worked a temp job (to August). Last January we had just moved back to Birmingham and I was unemployed. I was in search for a job, felt purposeless, felt a bit lonely, and I was in dire need of something to work on, to challenge myself, to focus on, and inspire me! This blog and journey was exactly what I needed...not only physically but also emotionally. It was filling a void. So no wonder it was easy to write blog posts, research health and fitness and exercise daily. Besides job searching, I had nothing else to do!

It's only been since September that I've been working full-time at Habitat. Around the same time we became more involved in a local church, have gained more friends, moved into a new place. Lots of things have been going on since September. And that's really when my lapse began.

So...here's the deal....I'm obviously not very good at maintaining this blog while having multiple things going on in my life. I obviously struggle with consistency while having multiple things going on (as most people I'm sure). I'm not going to stop...but I'm just gonna say it...this blog stinks and may continue to stink. You're probably well aware of this but it makes me feel better to say it...to just go ahead and claim it. I may rarely have anything inspiring to say. I may rarely have anything to say. But I'm stickin around because I need this...if anything for accountability of the moving log. And hopefully along the way I'll have something cool to say here and there.

Vegan Tacos!

Since I've started the vegan thing I definitely haven't been consistent but I've eliminated a lot of animal products from my diet...which was the purpose. I've tried to do vegan (sometimes ends up being vegetarian - so hard to eliminate dairy 100%) during the week and on the weekend (or if I'm at someone's house/or holiday) I'm a little more flexible. Hopefully as time passes and I learn what vegan meals and snacks I like it will become more consistent! So, I thought I'd share a favorite with you today!

Vegan Tacos

Rice-a-Roni has some really good mexican rice. The rice combined with refried beans are the "meat" of the taco. Super filling and super yummy!

My sister introduced me to this dressing! It's kind of a creamy mustardy type dressing. I use it on tacos, sandwiches, salads, everything! There is vegan mayo and vegan sour cream (which I like!) but I was out of sour cream so this works great too!

So I combine the rice, beans, avocado, lettuce, tomato, salsa, dressing and vegan cheese and stuff it in a tortilla and I'm not missing the meat at all! It's so filling and so very yummy!

reinstating the moving log

So for the past couple months it's been pretty obvious that I've been absent & unmotivated. I've gone back and forth about putting this on hold for awhile or quitting all together. But I just can't. I CANNOT QUIT. I'm giving myself some grace and moving on. So, my first step is to reinstate the Moving Log. I haven't been exercising much lately, so when I actually do exercise I don't bother with even logging it...and then I don't have motivation to exercise because I'm not logging it anyway....thus throwing that vicious cycle in motion. So, the solution is simple (at least in theory ;) )...I need the motivation and accountability of the Moving Log. Today it begins! Moving Log reinstated!

absolutely nothing inspiring

It's been about a month since I've written a post! Aaaahhhh! I think about it almost everyday. I need to write something. I need to write something. But nothing comes. You see...I am an artist and I have the artist curse. Whatever I produce, whether it be a painting or a blog post needs to be profound. It needs to be inspired and inspiring. It needs to be a creative masterpiece. Perfect. (Everything I do is definitely not profound...but the pressure is there, and sometimes I let it get to me more than other times.) Lately...I have felt so uninspired. Several times a week Michael and I will have designated "creative time." We'll turn off the tv, put on some music, may even go somewhere, pull out our laptops, notebooks, sketchbooks, or whatever medium we're feeling and "be creative." Lately, I've stared at my screen, notebook, and otherwise....and nothing comes. And it is absolutely frustrating.

So here I am to say absolutely nothing inspiring....but I'm saying something!

I'm still chugging along on this weightloss journey. Exercise has been lacking but I'm doing fairly well with eating. I've continued to try the vegan thing. It mostly happens on the weekdays and on the weekends I'm a bit more flexible. I have not bought meat or dairy products at the grocery store in over a month and it's definitely nice on the budget. I haven't lost any more pounds. I've plateaued and I know the only way it's going to break is if I get back to exercising. Need to find my routine again!

Ah...I feel better now. :)

small victory

Just thought I'd share a small victory...

Over the weekend it got a bit chilly and the early mornings required a jacket. So I pulled out our tub of jackets and coats. And I'm happy to report they fit much looser than last time I was wearing them! They were actually getting too tight last winter...now they fit perfectly! Also...I've said goodbye to large t-shirts...I'm now a medium. :)

going vegan

I've watched a handful of documentaries about health and food, which usually focus on the downfall the American food industry...which usually moves me to make changes in my diet out of disgust and frustration with the industry...and maybe a little concern for my own health.

However, this weekend I watched a documentary with a little different spin - Forks Over Knives. It did highlight the poor quality of our food industry but mostly it talked about the effects of food, particularly food from animals, on our health. There are some staggering statistics that prove a plant-based diet prevents and sometimes reverses disease....and diets that include meat and dairy have caused disease and obesity. If you haven't - watch it! (It's on Netflix instant watch.)

Fortunately, Michael watched it with me and when it was over he said, "I want to try vegan for a week." I was stoked because I would never imagine Michael offering to go vegan for more than a few hours. Obviously my hope, and I think his is too, is that we'll continue longer than a week. So I'm sayin it - I'm going vegan. At times, we'll probably stray a bit from the vegan diet. The documentary highlighted that a small amount of animal based foods would not harm you...so it's all about balance and eliminating as much of it as you can. It's a sacrifice definitely but there are just too many benefits to not do it. Food is suppose to help us live a full and healthy life....it's not suppose to cause obstacles.

Michael and I want to live a more simple and intentional life. We've been trying to live with less over the past couple years. We've sold a lot of stuff, moved into a tiny apartment, and we try to make do and reuse what we have. And I think it's only natural that we go about food the same way - simple and intentional.

finally!

I have some semi good news. As mentioned before, over the last couple months, in the midst of my lack of exercise and motivation, I gained a few pounds. Well I'm happy to report that I lost those gained pounds and I'm back on track. A couple posts ago I set some new goals to help me gain some momentum. The eating is going well...still working on the exercise thing. I've been sick with sinus junk so it's been a bit difficult to exercise. Apparently breathing is important while exercising. :) I'm definitely making healthier choices all around and feel like I'm gaining that momentum I've been needing! Hopefully soon I'll be able to cross off my next 5lb marker!

get inspired

I've done enough complaining, whining, venting the past few weeks. I need some inspiration! So I'm adding to my new goals - Get Inspired. :) I'll be starting a series of blog posts highlighting inspiring things people are doing....with their physical abilities, health, bodies. So here's the first one! This is simply amazing! Wish I had the courage to experience this kind of freedom. Watch it and get inspired!

A Video From http://infinitylist.com/
The Cinematic Sports Experience

new goals!

Since I've been struggling the past several weeks I've decided I need some new short term goals to work toward. This journey just isn't coming as easy these days so I need some goals that are a little more attainable and that will hopefully give me the boost I need! Once I'm feeling comfortable with these I will re-evaluate and add to it. So here we go...

• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Drink at least 40 oz of water a day
• Count my calories (1500) at least 3 days a week
  

Anybody in my boat and want to join me?! Lets do it!

Ready. Set. Go!

playground workout

Last night Michael and I went on our usual walk around Homewood Central Park....but this time we took a detour from the path and opened the gate to the playground. And the real workout began! Our heart rates were up in seconds and it was so much fun! We climbed a catapillar, balanced on beams, climbed a "rock" wall, ran up slides and attempted the monkey bars. We aren't the first ones to make a playground into a gym. You've probably heard about these workouts. And I definitely recommend it, especially as the weather begins to cool!

Google "playground workouts" and you'll find some great ideas! Or just get creative the next time you're at the park!

Here's a link some ideas on livestrong...

http://www.livestrong.com/article/441900-playground-equipment-for-outdoor-workouts/

i'm having an ugly night...maybe week

If you don't mind I'd like to take the next few minutes to emotionally barf on you...

I feel ugly. I have some average size zits symmetrically (yes symmetrically) placed on each side of my chin, one large one on my right nostril making it about three sizes bigger than my left nostril, and a sprinkling of little ones all over. My hair is getting too long, which just makes my face look sad and droopy. I don't have any cool clothes. And worst of all...I think I've gained a few pounds back. I haven't done an official weigh in, but I can tell in the mirror....more is there than a month ago and it's just about the worst feeling. Blah. Yuck. Ugh. [insert favorite depressing expressive word] That's how I feel. I'm just having an ugly night...maybe week. I want to do about a million sit-ups tonight but I don't want to actually do them....if that makes any sense. I want to find some miracle zit concoction to rid them by morning (Windex anyone?). I even thought about going to a salon and making a drastic hair style change. I can just see it...stylists gather to collaborate on my new look, draw diagrams on their mirror, sharpen their scissors and at last craft their masterpiece on top my head. When they finished, they'd whip me around in the chair, I'd rise and everything and everyone in the room would freeze...except my stunning newly cut hair blowing in the "wind" of course.

I plopped down on the couch tonight and expressed all my ugly feelings to Michael and he patiently offered sweet words, comfort, and support. I have just about the best husband a girl could ask for. He didn't try to give me advice - he just said "it's ok that you feel that way...that's a part of the journey" (after saying he thought I was beautiful and he didn't see what I was seeing of course). It just felt good to hear that...to hear that my feelings are okay...that I don't need to feel something differently in this moment. I don't know about you, but I feel freedom in that. The load is taken off. I don't have to do a million sit-ups tonight, windex my zits, or have a make over. I don't have to find the instant fix. I can feel what I feel and start a new day with new mercies tomorrow. I can just be...I can have an ugly night. It's okay.

the beautiful tension

Lately, my mind has been everywhere but health and physical wellness....as I shared in my last post. I've neglect my blog because I haven't had much worth saying in this department. However, I was reminded today that this blog is more than just a reflection on my physical well being. It's about my journey - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So, this post is a reflection on the latter.

As I have shared before I go to therapy. Every other week I sit down with Lisa and we talk life. It is rewarding, refreshing, challenging, and inspiring. If this isn't apart of your life I encourage you to consider it...even a mentor if not a professional therapist. We need these people in our lives. We need people disconnected from our norm, people trained (or not trained) to provide a safe space to be completely transparent, void of judgement. Lisa is on my side and she helps me process thoughts and ideas, struggles and triumphs.

We talk a lot about fear and anxiety because unfortunately these things are a big part of my life in the present season. I'm an analytical thinker...I think way too deeply about a lot of things. This is a blessing and a curse. It is something I take pride in - I'm a deep thinker, I'm insightful...I like to think I'm an intellectual person. However, this deep thinking many times takes me to dark places. I like to think of myself as a realist but honestly I'm a pessimist and deal with cynicism and fear on a daily basis. This informs my life on a lot of levels. It's my thorn and it's exhausting. And this is exactly why I go to therapy. I'm asking God for brokenness, for freedom, for a life lived fully. And this is also why I'm on this weightloss journey. I want to experience life to the fullest. I want to shed every toxic thing and experience the fullness of the gospel.

If you're like me, it's bothersome and frustrating that this desire is unattainable (this side of heaven). I'm never going to be free of anxiety and fear because we live in a fallen and broken world. I wish I could go to therapy and in 6 months be void of these struggles. The reality is...that's not what therapy is about. That's not what sanctification is about. Sanctification isn't about my ability to achieve perfection. It's about Christ's capacity to restore my soul. And I get to be a part of it. By living a more abundant life. By striving for better. By shedding toxic things in my life. By letting His Word shape me. By being creative. By desiring restoration in my life and on this earth. Even when I know I won't experience the fullness, the perfection, and the beauty this side of heaven. There is a beautiful tension a work here. And this tension is the human experience at the core. I want to be better but I'm flawed. I want to live fully but I'm handicapped. I want to experience freedom but I'm a prisoner. I want to believe but I'm afraid. Life is painful, it's hard, it's sometimes miserable and feels meaningless but it's beautiful. There is indeed something beautiful about that tension, isn't there?

If you resonate with this at all read Ecclesiastes.

August...Ugh

Well friends, August was not my best month! I don't know about you but when I don't have a regular routine it throws everything outta wack! I finished a summer job August 2nd, moved into a new place that weekend and settled in and unpacked the next week, got sick for a few days, then went on a 10 day trip. Needless to say I rarely exercised and we ate out a whole lot....which always makes it hard to make good choices. AND needless to say...I didn't lose any weight this month. Blah...such a disappointment. I got back in town Saturday and started a new job today, things are falling back into place and I'll be on a regular routine again.

I definitely lack some self discipline. I don't use my time wisely during these times. I don't plan ahead. I put things off. And I put things off until they never happen at all.

I need some help in this department...

What do you do to help you during these seasons? How do you stay disciplined on vacation? Or when you lack a routine?

still here!

Just checking in! We moved into our new place this past weekend and things have been a bit crazy. I got a bit off track with exercise...although I know I got plenty moving day! Whew! Things are starting to settle and I'm excited to have Homewood Park across the street - equipped with a wonderful walking trail. Also...I gave up on the Daniel Fast. Boooooo. I was already losing momentum and then moving didn't help. When your kitchen is packed up the easiest thing to do is eat out...which makes following the detox difficult. However, I did do it 7 days, I felt better and I got the needed boost to eat healthier...which was my intention all along. I can wallow in my failure to complete it or move on and strive for better. I've chosen to move on! I'm sure I will do it again in the coming days.

moving log

So I've decided to give myself a clean slate on my moving log. I've deleted all my workouts and I'm starting over with August 1st. I've summarized the (deleted) workouts by providing some stats from those first 6 months. And I hope to beat them in the next 6 months!

portobello burger & the daniel fast

Today I started the Daniel Fast. I did it about a year ago and really loved the way I felt. It's definitely tough...but it's worth it! The main guidelines are no meat, no dairy, no sugar/sweeteners, and no leavened bread...for 21 days. To find out more about it check out www.daniel-fast.com. So what exactly do you eat? A whole lot of fruit, veggies, grains, nuts and beans.

So here's what I came up with for dinner tonight...

I made a Portobello burger, skillet "fried" okra, and brown rice. For the burger: I cut the stem and scooped out the gills of the Portobello mushroom and brushed it with a mixture of olive oil, garlic, basil, and paprika. I cooked it in a skillet for about 12 minutes, 6 on each side. I cut two wedges of lettuce to use as the buns and for fixins I used mustard, grilled onion, and avocado. It was YUM. For the okra: I tossed about a cup full with a mixture of cornmeal and wheat flour then cooked it in a skillet with a couple tablespoons of olive olive. Also...YUM.

my mind is a house

Someone took a picture of me today and when I had the chance to see the photo...embarrassment swept over me and I just wanted to hide. The confidence I have been feeling lately disappeared and it was replaced with defeat. Just one little picture. I let that one little picture rob me. Rob me of confidence, joy, perseverance, a sense of accomplishment, contentment.

Here's the thing... My mind is like a house. And there's this robber that comes to my door often. He isn't like most robbers...this robber likes to knock on the door. He knocks on the door and if I open it, even just a crack, if I just let him in the doorway....it's over. He invades every room. I know he's coming and I know what he's capable of but I still let him in. This robber's name is Anxiety, Fear, Discontent, Defeat.

So here's the bad news...I live in this fallen, broken world and there are robbers. And the robber is always gonna come knockin'.

The good news...I also live in this beautiful world that's being restored and redeemed. And what's even cooler is that God's not asking me to just sit back and watch him restore it...he's invited me to join Him. Wow - talk about empowerment. I have the opportunity to be courageous in fearful moments, to experience joy in the midst of defeat and discontent, to feel freedom in the pit of anxiety. This is the road to restoration.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

30 things

Last night I went on a little warm-up walk with the hubs. As we were walking he shared with me all the changes he's seen in me since I started this whole thing. It was so encouraging and empowering to hear these things from him. So, I thought I'd take a moment and share 30 (for each pound I've lost so far!) things that are different in my life because of this journey.

In no particular order...

1. More confidence in my relationships

2. Wear clothes I couldn't/wouldn't wear before

3. Share my opinions/thoughts in groups more often

4. Don't give up on this thing when I've had a bad day/week

5. Lower blood pressure

6. More energy

7. Less aches & pains

8. Crave healthy foods

9. Crave water over sodas

10. Feel more comfortable eating in front of others

11. Don't avoid social gatherings where there will be new people or people I haven't seen in awhile

12. Better sex life - Sorry! But this is about being transparent right? :)

13. Learning to enjoy exercise instead of dreading it

14. More at ease with getting my photo taken

15. More optimistic (when my tendency is pessimism)

16. Less guilt when eating treats

17. More educated about healthy eating & habits

18. Feel empowered (instead of defeated) about healthy choices

19. No longer blame others/circumstances for my bad choices

20. More active

21. Spend more time using my talents/gifts

22. Feel more freedom (in many areas of my life)

23. Shave my legs more often (ha!)

24. Feel more confidence in tackling other challenges

25. More physical strength & ability

26. Worry less about what people think of me & my body

27. Experience less pressure/guilt when shopping for clothes

28. Generally a happier person

29. Making my way out of the spiritual wilderness

30. Carrying around 30 pounds less!